I've been wondering if it was my fault that i didn't paid more attention to you. Didn't realized what was going on with you when you said, something is wrong, and that you'll only talk to me when its over. I didn't take the trouble to find out. I thought it was something that you'll need to spend more time working on, and not get distracted by other stuffs. I didn't think that it was something this major that leads you to such a trauma.
Never did i thought that in such a short span of one month, compared to the 5 years that i've spent treasuring you. Could such a thing happened. Never knew that you could have a change of heart in such little time. Never knew the time you actually talked to me was the time when you said it's over. Never knew that i was the one who has to be the one who started to talk to you and get myself in such..... Never knew that i didn't mean as much to you as your best friend did, to have shared it with him instead of me. Never knew how we started off could have ended like this. Never knew that my life would be so different.
YES! shit happens, but this isn't how it was suppose to happen, this wasn't how it should have happened. this isn't exactly how i wanted it to happen. When shit happens, people don just choose the easier way out. People work harder to achieve and to get to what they believe in. Did you ? if you tell me, giving me up wasn't the easier way out. Are you lying to me or even yourself ?
I still believe in love. True love. those that no matter how they choose their path, will eventually believe that they are meant to be together. Time is killing me softly. 'Don leave me just yet.'
11:08:00 pm
Tuesday, 26 May 2009
I've always wondered. Why, when you knew that your best friend was on the verge of death and the person she loves deeply and needs the most care from and wants the most from; isn't there for her. you never did informed him. Its not that you didn't have his number nor email. It isn't the fact that you didn't know him at all. You could have let him know at the very least. Your best friend's 'other half '; she had told you that he was the one she will want to be with. Yet you didn't take that little bit of time just to let him know. Not even hints or anything type of signs.
His friends never liked you, but yet he defended you. He figured that it was all wrong. You never wanted him to be with your best friend. you never wanted him to be there for her.
Too busy with studies ? at least 60sec is enough to let him know. NO! 30 will even be enough.
That never came to your mind ? Guess you weren't smart enough then.
Didn't wanted to bother ? He will always wanna be bother if its her stuffs or that she's in trouble.
Didn't see it as a business of yours to spread ? Its the person she loves the most we're talkin bout here. No matter how none of your business shouldn't you let him know ?
Never liked him ? Yes, and rather see your best friend hurt and dead ? oh no, hurt and pain ? there's not even a word to use.
Still couldn't figure out why you didn't tell him. NOT EVEN A WORD. WHEN YOU KNEW ABOUT IT. WHEN YOU STARTED SEEING SIGNS OF DANGER !?
10:49:00 pm
Monday, 25 May 2009
Ran on sun for the passion run. finished most assignments with more on hold.
Lost track of time and self. lost everything that was mine. lost my heart when i lost you.
10:00:00 pm
Tuesday, 19 May 2009
He expressed it the same way i would have.
guess its the same for the both of us.
10:06:00 pm
Saturday, 16 May 2009
Loving someone is never from the mind !
Ask if he is really the one. The one that will bring you joy and happiness, and the love that you experienced when you love another with your heart.
2:13:00 pm
Thursday, 14 May 2009
I've got this feeling youre not gonna stay
Its burning within me
The fear of losing
Of slipping away
It just keeps getting closer, baby
Whatever reason to leave that Ive had
My place was always beside you
And I wish that I didnt need you so bad
Your face just wont go away
its true, don wanna lose you now. not now baby.
Please don do this to me.
10:35:00 pm
Tuesday, 12 May 2009
Looking through all the letters, it never seems to fail; sending me through a series of emotions.
From the letter which you wrote before you left for pahang. Ox looked at you like you were having a composition exam. The next was the one you passed to me before you left for pahang. Thankfully, i got you Ox as a companion along the trip. Someone who looked after you while i'm not around.
i still remember this letter above. You told me when people asked why you had chosen me, just simply tell them that you're simply you. Patient, understanding and intelligent. hey hon, i just wanna say I LOVE YOU FROG! From: the ONE and ONLY awesome K..
After all we've been through, you simply are going to let your mind rule over your heart. Please don do that to me, nor you. Don do it to US.
10:11:00 pm
Sunday, 10 May 2009
I've lots of unanswered questions. Yet I do not want to disturb you. I know your prelims are coming. The stress level is rebuilding up.
I'm going to get it out somehow.
Please don let me go again, you're hurting my feelings now again. Weeks to weeks i think of you, hoping that you'll get it through. All the pain i wish knew, was there to haunt you through and through. So deep down inside i wanna try, to have you ease it anyway. So please don leave, i'll make it better for you now ! i remembered always letting my friends back then. That if ever i broke up. I will never forsake an entire forest for that one tree/ school of fishes for that one fish. Regardless of that, i think i just did. I'm abandoning the entire forest for that one tree, the entire school for that one fish.
10:32:00 pm
Friday, 8 May 2009
You can't live your life for other people. You've got to do what's right for you, even if it hurts some people.
If it means losing you. I can't do that again.
We have choices. We were meant to be together. We always have been !
11:10:00 pm
Thursday, 7 May 2009
All we've been through, the hardship we've endured. Was nothing?
When you told me you needed a 'recess', i thought you were stressed and needed time to think and to sort out your thoughts. Never did i thought it was over between us. Months passed, i always thought that the next day will be better then the previous. Then i started hearing rumors of you getting together with a guy. But I know its rumors, and rumors shouldn't be trusted. So i didn't care about anything but keeping my faith as i tried to slowly fade away. Tried to let nature take its course. My friends told me many times to move on... But i never did. We both are stubborn in things we believe in.
Until that day i went out with my friend to have dinner, did i hear that familiar voice that has been implanted in my mind called out my name. My heart skipped a beat in that instance. For a split second i didn't expect it was you, but i know somehow its true. Seeing your face that day, made my heart filled with what words simply couldn't describe. I'm sure you felt the same way. I had to move quickly, out of the way. Until you called me and asked for that HUG. i knew that it was it, i've been living in denial, that hug made me feel warm again. It felt like something that has been missing for years has finally came back.
In the end you came back . You came back knowing that we've made a mistake. That was when you made my heart whole again!
Please don make the same mistake again. Sacrificing your love.
10:03:00 pm
Wednesday, 6 May 2009
Over the past month, i've been worried sick. Didn't know what was going on, didn't know who to contact, don know where to look for news. Remembering the day when you told me, you've got something going on, and will talk to me soon, i never expect that it would have gone to that. I've even started thinking that you were really really stressed, and i asked myself why i couldn't be there for you. While my buddies sees the cheery side of me, it was because i didn't want them to worry for me, because they've yet to know about us.
I started making plans, plans that were supposed to take place. After much consideration on what i could do to cheer you up in any matter. I've decided to get you flowers. I never did gotten you flowers ! So i thought it would've a nice surprise. Took me awhile to decide on getting sunflowers (i remembered you love sunflowers). But i didn't get it soon as i know mothers' day is just round the corner, and they would surely mark up the price of the flowers. So i planned to get it after mothers' day, as i guessed you'll probably say, how i shouldn't have wasted the money, and give them to you instead.. right ?
Apart from that, i've even planned on writing you a small letter; a letter that would go along with the flowers.
It would have gone like this:
"hey #1m@y, i wonder how you are doing right now, and i'm dying to know. Regardless, know that where ever, when ever, any time, and day. I'll be there for you if you need me. Remember to drink lots of water while you are working hard. I sent you sunflowers because i know you('ll) love them. I hope they bring the warm and brightness into your life in any way i possibly could. Well, you'll probably wonder who sent you this flowers ;or not ; but i'm sure you'll figure this one out. I.L.U"
I would have them delivered of course, as your mom has met me before, and it would have been weird if she sees me delivering the flowers. On the outside of the letter, it'll have your name written on it and sealed with super glue so they'll know who it's for. Moreover I wouldn't even sign off at the end of the letter..
You might think that i'm framing this up. But it was really what i wanted to do. The letter's a draft which i'm trying to make as anonymous with only you figuring it out, incase your mom decides to open it up, she wouldn't know who it was from and might think its probably some admirer.
There are so many alternative ways. You're just taking the easy way out !
9:48:00 pm
Saturday, 2 May 2009
Haunted by the "ghost" of my memories.
The "ghost" slowly drifting away from me. without notification or signs.
1:31:00 pm
About me
Hi all ! Its me, jAve. My full name is Javier lee shun kiat, im 22 this year
Im a really happy go lucky guy. People have told me,
Im just pretty much good-average looking, i studied in Temasek secondary.
Ive got some loving friends,
here are some : Tong ann, Squid, lexter, ivan chan.
Ive got many more friends, its just too many to be included but if ur really interested we could be frens. I use
to play softball in school for my CCA, and Basketball as leisure with ma pals. i wouldn't mind havin lots more new friends. So feel free to add me!
Check them out at my friendster, im also on Msn messenger. Heres my email, lee_javier@hotmail.com!
Special thanks-ivan who helped editing.
Sweet thoughts
Will you still love me in the morning ?
I'm lost without you.
WANTs & NEEDs
be with YOU!!! i'm serious
To treat you right
$$$
holiday
Shoe
Rayban Shades
Slippers (red)
Mandarin collar shirt Bag
New Belt
BMW 6 series Maybach Exelero
Road bike A new wallet
Looking through all the letters, it never seems to fail; sending me through a series of emotions.